It’s Official

I have developed a nervous tic coz of the never ending fear of being caught doing something absolutely unproductive by the boss man. Not that they would kick me out or sacrifice me to the goat gods if they did catch me. I lack the ability to fully process even the simplest of instructions. If it's a two step process, be sure I shall forget one. If it's just the one step, I'll forget the whole thing. Adding to that, Logic is a bully and continually kicks my ass.

It's actually interesting to see the look on my boss's face when he realized I have goofed something again, in face of tremendous odds. It's like, lightning striking at the same place, process, person etc, a few times now. I keep no less than five windows open, with at least two spreadsheets and one company-website-related page. And then I fall into a music-coma when they are calling me. Makes not for a good impression, I can tell you that.

I wonder if home made brownies and some cake would impress them…

#Lesson for today: Note to Lemon Girl – WORK instead of writing posts cribbing about work

 

Office.. *Sigh*..

Well me lovelies, I have an announcement. i jest you not, but I have finally taken up an internship. At an actual office - doing office related things - work work - type of internship. I somehow, unimaginably so, got bored of snoozing my ass off. Day after day after day.

I won't say its not fun because it is actually good fun for an office job. But it's not my kinda job. To be honest, my kinda job is strictly being given creative freedom to pursue what ever the heck I want, which is why I had my sights set on being a columnist for so long. A little more than a week at the job, people seem to recognize me. I suppose that is a good thing. Im not exactly the best at making new friends. I wait for the misfits to gravitate towards me. But I digress.

Im doing well here, with funny bosses and PMS-prone colleagues. For the life of me, I don't understand exactly why I feel my boss thinks I'm a dodo. Maybe it has something to do with the deer-in-headlights look I get when he comes calling. He wears a nice deodorant though. Makes it nice having him stand above my head. Maybe I'm crushing on him. Then again, that's normal.

#Lesson for today: My boss and all other bosses luuurrrrvvvveee Spreadsheets. Learn Them!

*Ahem*

I earned some money, for the first time.

The first salary.

Parteh!

#Lesson for today: Earning your money AND not paying it's tax is awesome.

Conversations

Free messaging + Lots of time + Nothing to talk about = Conversations with my best friend.

Her: Dekha jo tujhe yaar, dil mein baji guitar
Me: Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aaye, toh baat ban jaye.. oh ho ho ho.. Baat ban jaye..

Her: Hum bane, tum bane, ek duje ke liye!
Me: Teri gali vich aake, patiala peg lagake, deewani main pagal main talli ho gayi.. Main talli, main talli, main talli ho gayi..

Her: Mere bhole baalam, mere pyaare baalam.. Mera jeevan tere bina, o mere piya.. Hai woh diya jisme tel naa ho!!
Me: Raat baaki.. Baat baaki.. Hona hai jo.. Ho jaane dooooooo..

Her: Raat akeli hai, bujh gaye diya.. Aake mere paas, baahon mein mere.. Jo bhi chaahe kahiye, jo bhi chaahiye kahiye..!!
Me: Oh mummy mummy, oh daddy daddy. Oh mummy daddy, ho jayo ready. Jisse meri shaadi hogi, aaj maine woh ladki dhoond li hai!!

Over the course of days, we went from classics, to horrendous remixes to classic songs that we remixed ourselves. If big brother is indeed monitoring our conversations, he has probably considered rendering us incommunicado many a times.

#Lesson for today: Crass lyrics from govinda/mithun da songs are the best for good times.

Cricket: Evolutions

We started with Test Cricket. Five whole days of *non-stop* fun. If you had not much else to do, that is.

We graduated to ODI's. Faster, funner and with the added ability for us to distinguish between the teams. Though, I presume that's simply because colour televisions became all the rage.

After many many years of decreasing attention spans and IQ levels, we received with much pomp & splendor, the form of Twenty-Twenty Cricket. Only three hours required as compared to the laborious 7 otherwise. Apparently watching Football, only an hour and a half long is out of the question.

And give it 10 more years and we'll simply have the Coin Toss Cricket! Buuutt. It needs to be interesting, right? Thus the team will consist of:
1. The Captain
2. A weather guy, to ensure that the winds are in favour.
3. A statistician, to point out the law of averages.
4. A cynic, to point out Murphy's Law.
5. A body-builder, to make sure the captain's thumb is in good flicking order.
6. A scientist, to make sure the aerodynamics of the stadium are just right.
7. A video - analyst, to explain in Slo-Mo what went wrong.
And finally,
8. A voo-doo person cum coin collecter, to make sure the coin is well prepared.

#Lesson for today: Yes, I don't like 20-20 cricket all that much, I'm still rooting for the ODI's.

Caterpillars, Cocoons, Butterflies

Things that I didn't think were possible:

1. Me listening to Gangsta' Rap by someone known as Pitbull

2. Me developing a parallel love-hate relationship with Facebook. I was just gushing about it to my facebook-challenged friend a few days before. I believe this has something to do with the fact that every five seconds it has been updating itself with the same feeds. My homepage resembles a gramophone with the pin stuck.

3. Me being good at poker. I suck at pulling bluffs, keeping money with me is not a strong point and I still don't know what a royal flush is. I have a sneaking suspicion it's nothing more than the Queen's jewel-encrusted Flush.

4. Bob Dylan to have gotten even better than ever before with his latest album.

5. The Bro Code.

6. Sex while windsurfing. Thanks for ruining my mental imagery of water sports as merely water sports, Enrique. I'll be there when you come to India, bottle of acid in hand.

#Lesson for today: Delhi is hot. Very hot.

Back!

Hello Children, I'm back.

For all those who missed me (:D), college holidays started and my brains went into a temporary decline. After two weeks of lolling around on the bed and drooling on the pillow, I think they've jump started right back. Thank you Subnormality, you are the baap of all comics.

On a different note, I realized exactly why wearing tight jeans and off-shoulder tops combined with dating a single person is so against Indian Culture. All those Sena people were so right.

While watching the video for "Jiya Jale" last night, I figured, So this is what Indian Culture is all about!! You wear extremely short blouses that barely contain your breasts, showing off your midriff to all and sundry. You don't wear tight jeans, you wear tiny shorts that cling to you after you have been skinny dipping in water with an equally naked SRK and about twenty other men. And also, you dance in waterfalls while those twenty men leer at you and then you proceed to shamelessly dry hump SRK in the water. All this time, SRK is in love with your sister or something and yet continues to dry hump you, this time amidst twenty under clad women.

Then of course, you could be an item girl. You are paid to gyrate on the silver screen in an open courtyard. But this is all acceptable as long as you are not in a pub or anything. Because drinking desi daaru in front of a collection of leering louts is more cultured than drinking cocktails with your boyfriend. As is obvious, those drunk louts are more gentlemanly than your average sweet city boy can be. This girls and boys, is the true Indian Culture. Learn to appreciate it.

#Lesson for today: Gyrating shamelessly isn't against our culture. Merely dancing peacefully, is.

About being human

Just when you've done your bit for society and the ones who live on the fringes of it, feeling human and so proud of yourself, you go and fall in love with cyanide and happiness.

http://www.explosm.net/comics/352/

#Lesson for today: I actually thought that I'm no longer a full-on cynic. Sad.

Gah!

My online social life is now all of two years old. I believe a cake of some sort is on the cards. Sadly, two years and the subtelities of Social Networking still escape me. The following conversation with a friend might shed some light on this:
Me: Check your wall! Check your wall!
Friend: Gimme sec

Me: NO! NOW!
Friend: i wil.
Me: NOW MEANS NOW
Friend: die.

Friend: wth?!?!
Me: Kya?
Friend: Dude, u dun ask fer my snail mail onlyn, ttly agnst onlyn etiquette.
Me: Whaa? Serious?
Friend: Duh. n writin in caps iz jus yelln at me.
Me: i was excited.
Friend: oh gawd! n y r u stil writin in full formz? u gotta shorten it.
Me: I always write in full
Friend: *geek*
Me: Why does that make me a geek?
Friend: it also maks u a noob.
Me: what the hell's that?

As if painfully obvious, in one sentence I did manage to break three rules of internet etiquette without quite realizing how. Now this was just a few months ago and even though I have improved to a marginal extent, I continue to break newer rules everyday. You can't really blame that on me, since newer rules keep popping up every freakkin day! What's a girl to do?

#Lesson for today: I can't catch up with Social Networking. I'd rather be a noob.

Laugh please

One of the finer dialogues in movies:

"Sanka, you dead?"
"Ya maaan"

#Lesson for today: I'm random and retarded in a very normal way. Learn to love me.

Reasons why you can learn to hate Facebook

1. The home page has feeds titled:
"So-and-so took the quiz 'How Good Are You In Bed".

2. You get random 'Fraandship' requests here as well. I shit you not, even I thought FB was safe.

3. You open the bumper stickers application only to find Edward *Retard-o* Cullen clutching what seems to be his imaginary 'thing' and pointing it at you.

4. You also find biatches who thought the above was cool.

5. People who you successfully avoid every where else corner you on FB chat before you can shut it.

6. FB makes me fail in examinations.

and
7. The Disgustingtons literally live on FB.

#Lesson for today: I shall not be leaving FB anytime soon, but if I am inclined to do so one day you would know why.

Q. Why is our government (supposedly) a big happy family?

Ans.
Because the mommy and the daddy fight all the time so that neither loses face in front of the kids. The mommy and kids then bitch and backstab, later with the daddy as well. The daddy and mommy talk of divorce. Then the kids will sit together and bitch and hatch incessant plans that will only rock the parent's boat but not really throw them overboard. The kids will then be punished. Mommy and Daddy fight it out in a trust vote, or leave the other to crash before making up again.

Here, the "relatives" usually start to interfere, and are rudely quietened. Everything is literally blown apart till the Family Picnic arrives, when to make sure that the neighbours don't spread rumours, the family shows up smiling and loving. The outsiders pretend not to notice the ugly bruises and undercurrents of hate.

Family: UPA / NDA alliance
Family Picnic: General Elections
Mommy: Congress / BJP
Daddy: CPI(M) / AIADMK
Kids & Relatives: RJD, Samajwadi Party, Bahujan Samaj Party/ Shiv Sena, Janata Dal, Trinamool Congress
Neighbours: Indian Janta
Outsiders: Other countries, namely Pakistan and USA.


#Lesson for today: This is the story of every family, sadly sometimes even mine.