To answer a question posed to me, I say: "Yes, I'm scared. I'm terrified out of my mind, most days."

But then again, what am I scared of?

I'm scared that all the patches that held life together so far - best friends, school/college, workaholism - have disappeared and life threatens to fall apart any moment now. I'm scared that I've lost my way and finding it again it becoming an endless cycle of making mistakes.

I'm scared that if I leave the city that is driving me to slow madness, it will sound the death knell for the facade of parental harmony since a separation - if not worse - looms on the horizon. I'm scared that when I leave, no matter for how short a duration of time, it will affect the life of my dog. The one being on this planet who I have loved more than all else. I'm scared that I may just love him enough to give up on everything - a better job, a better city to live in and perhaps a better life.

I'm scared of the way I break down over small things these days, I'm not the emotionally stable person I used to be. In the hours that I look up at the fan, the lack of faith in my decisions and judgements from family is starting to make me feel the same.

And that nothing I do is good enough for anybody. I don't give good enough advice, I don't dispel loneliness well enough, I don't socialize enough, I don't stay at home enough, I don't love my dog enough, I don't care about friends enough, I don't sleep enough, I don't listen to your advice enough, I don't become a doormat enough.

I suppose I'm just scared of how scared I've become.

#Lesson for today - This, is the real horror movie.


Birthday Boo's

One fine day you'll wake up to realize that you've spent close to 10 months in a year without being able to celebrate the birthday of the people you love.

Because birthdays are special. The week leading up to the day, when you must provide a list of places considered treat-worthy. The rummaging about gift-ideas, since you simply must gift something ridiculous with something useful. And usually it is the useful part that is hard to find. There is the nightly conference about whom to invite and whom to snub and how to do so cunningly enough.

There is a complete descent into the stage of a 13 year old schoolgirl, for most part, where you tease the friends with incessant yet unhelpful hints about the endless 'maybe-maybenot' bits of their unplanned day. The giggling, cracking jokes, pretending to be absolutely mindless little adolescents. The rites of passage, declaring that everybody needs to groom a little, for there shall be photographs.

But as opposed as I am to change, it is their nature to. The years fall away and suddenly you wake up, confirm addresses and order a gift online. Even with the three days you spend agonizing over the design, colour, size, etc are rendered impersonal by the delivery boy who shows up instead of you. Photos are meant to be looked at days later, not on the way home and laughing with your arms entangled and seemingly drunk. They tend to be out celebrating, sadly enough, without you.

I wish I was there getting somewhat high with you, funny boy.
I wish I was there to see that silly smile on your face, dearest.
I wish I could see you opening the gift we spent ages planning, you idiot.
I wish I could tease you all day and talk to you about total perspective vortexs, love.
I wish I could show you that birthdays could be a fun day, crazy kid.
I wish I could be there, holding you, through the day, hon.
I wish I could be rocking out with you in a mosh pit, my dodo.
I wish I could have all of you right by my side, when my day rolls around.

#Lesson for the day: I wish I was Marvin, without all the depression.