12.16.2009

Saved

Lemon Girl's Dad Randomly Talking:
Noooo. Lemons and green text don't go together well. Too bright and flashy.
The picture is too sad. Dead almost. Let's get a new one.
Not the best design, but it'll have to do. I wonder what the fascination for lemons is about..

Meanwhile, Lemon Girl is shitting in her pants.
Dad then calls Lemon Girl.
Lemon Girl prepares to bid the internet, mobile phone and all else that loved her goodbye.

Lemon Girl Says: Yes Dad? What about the lemons?

Lemon Girl's Dad: I just discovered

Lemon Girl (cutting in): I can explain.

Lemon Girl's Dad: You can? Good. Because these new posters for the office walls look very badly designed to me. Is it new-age art or something?

Lemon Girl develops a look of permanent incredulity on her face.

12.10.2009

Dear Ex-Boyfriend

When I said it’s over, I meant it.
You were and will be one of my closest friends.
I still think you’re insanely annoying.
Please do not put me in a funk with your sweet talks.
There is no future for us.
Oh what did you say? Yes indeed, I would like to make out.

#Lesson for today: Oh well. Sometimes we never learn.

(My absence was because Blogger is far too important to sort out blog malfunctions for moi.)

11.28.2009

Bad, bad, booze

Sleepovers can be the best times you will ever have with friends. Experience dictates that this possible only if people sleep by 1 am. Any later, the alcohol will take effect and lead to emotional outbursts and heavy confessions that become heart breaking. You feel betrayed and entrenched in a swirling pit of feelings that do not belong to your own heart.

Realizing, that you have unknowingly worn a mask of impenetrable happiness for so long that people feel you talk about problems only to make your friends feel like they are not alone in sadness. Being proud, of having unwittingly fulfilled the one dream your parents had for you. And then wanting to rebel and disillusion them.

Alcohol is not meant for everybody. Especially those who cocoon themselves up to a point that they forget what they were hiding from.

#Lesson for today: I can handle my alcohol and my shit without keeping myself bottled up. It's apparently a skill.

11.23.2009

Sanity

Waste not, Want not?

11.17.2009

Poll

New Blog Look is:

No longer new. Just keeping a different header.

The colour scheme is back, in face of disapproval from everybody. I didn't even know some of these people read the damn blog. :D

11.15.2009

Men and dogs should be ashamed

It's no surprise that men and dogs are so often compared to each other.

When men and dogs go out and have riotous love affairs with women, no one raises an eyebrow. It's expected of them, is it not? That they shall forever be casanova's and reign o'er the world of us women with power?

And when women have nothing more than a casual chat with another man/dog, we are questioned and sniffed with an air of hurt and sorrow that can surpass Macbeth. The eccentricity of it all. When shall it end?

#Lesson for today: Don't go for those puppy eyes. They're very clever.

11.13.2009

Mothers!!!

It's not like I particularly want an easy life devoid of any global consciousness, but for the love of Christ I need one right now.

Me and father are very environmentally conscious and off late having been making attempts to reduce the carbon footprint and conserve water. We also donate a small sum towards animal conservation; GreenPeace et al. Mother's daily water consumption could save a decent hand holding in Vidarbha from drought. I shit you not. The woman simply dumps water like it was garbage. Not to mention the amount of plastic bottles she leaves in the trail behind her. And if we stopped her purchases of clothes each month, we could in effect donate a lot more to charity than we are at the moment.

But being the classist, elitist, uncaring, unconcerned, "I-Shall-Live-In-My-Shell" person that she has become, our fights will continue for many more years to come.

#Lesson for today: Parents. Selfish, Socially Unaware, Irresponsible. And then they have the nerve to tell us off.

11.05.2009

Oh, the beauty.

Your fairy is called Gossamer Moonweb

She is the moon goddess's messenger.
She lives in spider-webbed wonderlands and insect grottos.
She is only seen in the mist of an early morning.
She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has beautiful blue butterfly wings.
Get your free fairy name here!

#Lesson for today: I'm starting to accept my friend's conclusion that I am an evil thing.

11.03.2009

Behold a moth

Visualize, if you will, a sweet little moth who has harmed no one during its small and inconsequential life on the planet. Imagine it fluttering peacefully amidst the tempting world of darkness and staying firm on its path. Suddenly, out of nowhere the hand of fate (or the neighbourhood cat) strikes and grabs the moth.

Imagine, its wings now lay broken and it bleeds away all it had accumulated in the name of life. It opens its mouth to speak but only broken rattles escape, reminiscent of the ghost from Grudge. Grim Reaper arrives, counting down the last minutes of life as a frenzied panic erupts in the heart of the moth. The realization of death is not easy to bear.

Imagine it gulping for air and softly dying, losing the precious shine from eyes, one Microsoft word page at a time. Imagine, the cruel world laughing at its feeble attempts to wake up and live. One last time, struggle to live.

Now imagine, that little moth is me doing research.

10.31.2009

My papa

My dear, darling Father can make an entire mall collectively shit in their pants. He positively terrorizes hawkers and can be quite gruff with errant waiters. All of this without even realizing what he's done. To begin with, the man can bargain. He can make one of those toughened Sabzi Mandi bargaining bitch women look like unsophisticated amateurs. It probably has something to do with that voice of his. It's a deep baritone, with a ringing clarity to it. It makes matters worse for the salesmen when he addresses them in very courteous language. It's almost like; my father is one of those specimens they warn you about.

He'll also somehow manage to convey the fact that he will walk away with the merchandize for free, in case stipulated terms and conditions are not met. In most cases, you can be sure to meet the manager of the store. He made the CCD chap regret the day he filled out an application form for the job position. I'm past the point of getting embarrassed; I end up giggling hysterically and passing sympathetic looks to the other person.

And once all the terrorizing is over, we get great deals and freebies. He's fun.

#Lesson for today: My papa can be awesome.

10.23.2009

Oh Shyt.

I just saw some women being turned on and suitably seduced by Mithun Da sucking on her leg.

And then I saw Ravi Behl being turned on and suitably seduced by the ugliest of them village-not-so-belles.

I may never be able to regain my ability to be sexually excited again.

#Lesson for today: Avoid such movies. They ruin sex lives.

10.17.2009

The thing is..

I hate Diwali. Totally & Absolutely do.

Bloody Noise. Bloody Pollution. Bloody Irritating TV Specials.

I am cranky every single Diwali and have not broken the tradition this year. I shall be extremely thankful when this entire festivity ends. I miss pathos and general suffering. Even the terrorists ditched me this time around.

Still, I'll be nice for once.

Hope all of you have a wonderful day.

10.14.2009

Things I thought I should be done with by the time I turned 19:

[x] Fallen in Love with Mr. Darcy again

[x] Done something inexplicably stupid

[x] Develop my own brand of humour and quirk

[x] Grossed 200 people out with a single sentence

[x] Had a "I was so close to Death" story

[x] Had a 'when I was your age' conversation with somebody two years younger to me

[x] Been obsessed with random pop culture

[x] Ripped apart boy band posters

[x] Randomly mutilate my eyebrows

[x] Fallen in Love

[x] Burnt somebody's hair

[x] Etch out a day-to-day existence on acerbic wit, satirical humour and higher intellect. (xkcd, cyanide & happiness, daisy owl and batman)

[x] Quoted internet humour

[x] Done/Watched something nerdy (Star Trek, Halo 3)

[x] Played on an Xbox 360 and PSP

[x] Looked simply stop-eating-food-gorgeous.

[x] Done something so girly that testosterone ran away screaming from my body

[ ] Being awarded the Nobel.


Sigh, I feel like such a failure. But, if they can give to Obama then I wonder.

#Lesson for today: There is always that one thing in life you can't achieve in time. Acceptance comes gradually.

10.10.2009

King Juuuuulian.

Yeah Yeah. So I wanna sing this song all day & all night long.


video

#Lesson for today: Lemurs is where the fun's at.

10.07.2009

Today

Today I look at you, with a claim to be fine that you love another woman. You take a step back and say with all the confidence in the world, "We'll be fine, I'll always love you". You make a motion to hug me, but I move back. Part fear and part lust compels me to stay away. Sometimes distance is the only cure we seek.

As the rain works its way down my hair, I recall with clarity the day. Our first kiss, the first embrace after what seems like forever. The first admission of reality. This silence has not been easy on either of us. You chide me for what I start to explain, you know all of it already. I come as no surprise, just relief. Welcome peace and relief.

With the dance of the morning rays comes a new problem for us. She still exists, even if miles away. You stand nearer than before but I choose to blur your face. You don't take to being forgotten kindly. We smile, we laugh and we pretend like everything is the same as it was before. The only difference is that once we desired and now it has been reduced to an I. You'll always have her by your side while I love from afar, playing back the moments in my mind.

No my darling, it wasn't a mistake. You were conscious of every movement of the wind. Me of my place right by your side. It was meant to be, I'd once announced. How restless you had been. A lover, a friend, a spare soul sometimes even. But now, months have passed. Kisses forgotten, languid love songs exchanged and hummed into the night. Flirtatious giggles have dissolved in a sudden, singular tear.

Today I decide to let you go. Make sure you never mean more to me than my best friend, no strings attached.

And today you show me why you claim to be mean. You make it impossible to give it up. You refuse to be given up.

10.06.2009

I confess..

I have a thing for men with:
~ sarcastic natures
~ commitment issues
~ 'a quality' that makes everybody perceive them as gay and
~ careless, rude, self-effacing yet charming demeanours.
(or Chandler Bing, Jane Austen/Bronte Sisters/Georgette Heyer's male characters and Oscar Wilde)

Off late, this has been extended to serial killers based in Miami, Florida.

There, can I have my perfect man now?

#Lesson for today: Yes, mother was perfectly right in being extremely worried about my taste in men.

9.27.2009

I’m bored now

After being subjected to the most moronic people possible in my department and the cynical stylings of many close friends, I can declare that our fest is over. O-V-E-R.

Now I can relax, lay waste to all the banners and spare posters and most importantly, start living on diet of something other than chole bature and momos. My sudden sugar and caffeine cravings have subsided. I no longer wake up in cold sweat, having dreamt of goblins eating ice creams on Farooque Shaikh's head. Although, that would have been an apt sight, considering all the money he made us spend. I vow, with all of you regular readers as my witness that when I become famous, I shall not charge educational institutions for a plane ticket. Or at the very least, wear a rather large sun bonnet and be content to sign autographs throughout the flight.

#Lesson for today: Let loose the goblins.

9.18.2009

Ze first

Sign of true success in life is,

A Hate Mail.

Ain't it awesome?

Now that I have finally finished gloating, I can proudly say that I am getting hate mails from people in my department. Most of them regarding the fest, taking place soon. The rest, overtly personal and written in some really bad English. Makes me wonder what'll happen to the college magazine. *Wink Wink*.

Im feeling particularly happy as of now and am thinking of breaking my rule about not mentioning names on the blog. I'll take a poll. If three people say yes, I'll post the mail here. As an added bonus, the reply I sent as well. Or if that seems far too bitchy, I could just forward it your email. Now, wouldn't that be fun?

#Lesson for today: If you're used to being a pampered princess at home, don't expect the same shyt from me.

9.13.2009

@ 2 weeks

The auditorium curtains need changing and I shall lead the quest for "expensive-curtains-from-SN-that-are-available-at-perfectly-reasonable-prices-elsewhere".

I may not have bought in any sponsorships as such, but I sure am working my ass off when it comes to moral support and thumbs up for all.

I will lose my precious l'il mind in all this publicity and poster business. Especially since I feel lazy.

And when boredom strikes, the devil comes out to play. *Evil Grin*



#Lesson for today: Chardonny Semillion, Yum Yum!

9.11.2009

Bad ways to get things done

You know how sometimes you're listening to instructions and then suddenly blank out? You'll be able to run down the whole list except for the most important detail in the end. If it hasn't happened to you, rest assured it will. It's a common phenomenon especially when the mind would much rather ponder upon the mysterious of how rocks end up in the canteen food.

Now, I've heard that some people also have chronic amnesia for a certain type of task. No matter how many times you explain it to them, they'll still manage to fuck it up. Not that it's ever their fault, y'know. Their brains simply can't take all this information and use it. Like the way you're never going to use all that crap you mugged up for the final exams.

Now, let's see somebody combine these two things together and what will you get? In simple terms: Me.

As my department teachers/presidents/the population in general starts to trust me enough with shit loads of work, they realize that I can't do something right beyond three instructions. You'll be lucky I did some part of the third instruction at all. I won't cite chronic amnesia as an excuse. I think it's a mix of the two conditions stated above. I can't help it, I happen to have a very imaginative and restless mind.

#Lesson for today: Someday hopefully, people will start instructing me in pairs. Till then, it's your headache. I'll just smile and go with the (by now forgotten) flow.

9.05.2009

Oh department fest o' mine

Department Fest! Department Fest!
What are they doing to you?
Department Fest! Department Fest!
It'ssss not your faultttt!

They keep saying you're the best,
You're obviously not their favourite fest
You make me work my ass off everyday
I could have gotten thinner some other way

Department Fest! Department Fest!
What are they doing to you?
Department Fest! Department Fest!
It'ssss not your faultttt!

#Lesson for today: Im shit tired of this fest work. I should have retired when I was young.

8.26.2009

Shimla

As the title of this blog suggests, I like lessons. And not just the ones I’ve learnt under this lemon tree of mine. Shimla, as it turns out is a wonderful place to learn your lessons. Whether they are of the variety of “things one must never attempt during a trek” or what I learnt about being me, it had ‘em all.

To start with, Himachal University looks like a dream lost in the mist. The architecture is brilliant and so is their library. The place is a photographer’s dream come true. Even if we did just spend an hour there, it’s been coming back to me everyday with the aura of a dead lover who will not be forgotten. The staircases are especially ancient looking, with many a couple writing an eternal saga on its steps.

Moving on from the University was hard, but it had to be done. Following that, we decided to take an impromptu trek without informing anybody in the hotel. Absurd as that was, considering my fear of heights and clumsy nature, the feeling of freedom was unmistakable. Even the mushroom we spent some 10 minutes photographing, had an air of carelessness to it. All signs of the uncluttered and beautiful mountain life, said the Father who blessed me and two other friends. We met him in a small, one room church hidden amongst the money registers of Mall Road. Run entirely on donations, the small prayer we attended has changed some part of me forever.

Mall Road was another surprise. In some four years, it’s gone from being a fierce cottage industry case review for the hills to just another brand engulfed market. Not surprisingly, the best time there came from what our guide declared to be “useless parts of the market”. After all, we are the type of kids who’ll never listen to given reason. Lower Bazaar and Indian Coffee House live on in our taste buds. While the wood market presented some unique memories to boot.

So maybe Solan wasn’t at its best but the “tandoori” Manchurian still beats all. More than anything, Shimla was a testament to the stark difference between us and them. We never referred to ourselves as a ‘group’ and we still won’t. We’ve seen that being a group has more pitfalls than love in it and to be honest, we can live without that tag. I believe we were always people who liked each others company and were closer to some over others. We remain till date, the same. No compromises made. And in the small hotel room, we learnt the good, the bad and the value of that.

#Lesson for today: Cheers to the place that taught us so much. With love, to Shimla.

8.21.2009

Updates

The battle against the mess that is my room has been temporarily abandoned, on account of me having caught the flu. Not swine, hopefully.

I promise a long and rambling post about travelling soon. Soon being whenever I can sit straight at the laptop for longer than fifteen minutes.

8.18.2009

Errant random thoughts.

I'm back from the running away process. I feel much better, catharsis happened in a way. I shall ramble long and hard about Shimla very soon. As of now, I'm recovering from a not-so-swine-flu.

But more than anything right now, thank you God, for leading me to that church. Some miracles happened there in those brief moments.

Muaah! To all. :)

8.11.2009

And yet again

I don't come online much these days. I've stopped eating dinner. I drink 4 glasses of water in a sitting and like feeling oddly destructive towards nothing in general. I could do very well with some amnesia right now and ranting here is the only thing that helps.

But by the time I get around to typing something, my anger and frustration has given way to an incessant tiredness of mind. Mother & Father are at it again, after having humiliated me in front of some five hundred people.

I'm going away soon for some respite. I need it. I may not be coming back. But don't worry, I won't leave without a goodbye.

#Lesson for today: Life is shitty.

8.03.2009

Soon enough

On the 4th of August, at precisely 7pm IST, the epic saga of Lemon Girl vs. The Mess In Her Room begins. You shall remain updated regularly.

#Lesson for today: There are very few petrol pumps in South Delhi. Hmmph.

7.27.2009

Is there mercy?

The chance is here, I should take it
But I leave it far coz I can't fake it.

Do I need to shout out for mercy
Can't you just come and shoot me?
When very last sensation of pain is near
Then tell me there is nothing to fear.

Inked blotches on the page of life
As if there was something to hide.
Thrills me to be torn apart and then
The serenity of being whole again.

Does life come with pain or happiness
Juxtaposing a smile with sadness.


Yes, I still have a bad toothache. It hurts like all hell put together. And the painkillers have me doped up & hallucinating. Enough to make me write poetry like that. It's vaguely like Alternative Grunge. I don't know the the shit I wrote, but if it makes sense to you then more power to ya! Enjoy and tell me if you get a word.

#Lesson for today: Teeth.Can.Hurt. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

7.26.2009

'Effing toothache

I have the worst tooth day ever.

One side has an errant wisdom tooth. The other just got two fillings. The upper jaw cannot chew food on its own.

#Lesson for today: Bloody Teeth! Get friggin' dentures people.

7.23.2009

I (haven’t) lost that loving feeling

You still blow me away with those eyes of yours. Every time I enter a room, I know you'll be there looking at me. With that perfect innocent expression once again. It doesn't escape my notice y'know, I can tell you've done something wrong. I still forgive you. Your eyes still make me love.

I want it to be the last time that your butterfly kisses sway me over. The touch of your hair makes me happy, I hate it and I love you more. I want it to be the last time that I snuggle up to you but you move away. Unconsciously conscious of my lightest touch.

I love the way you worry when I'm home late from college. You pretend not to care, but I can see you missed me when I'm not around for that long. You hate the way I sing and the way I make you waltz with me. Don't think I can't see the look in your eyes when I clear my throat even. Yes, you make me crazy in love and crazier still.

You don't want me to talk for too long on the phone with my friends. They can hear your mumbling grudges. They say nothing. I tell them, you're the cutest. You are, you are the best there ever could be. For without you, I can't be happy for long. I miss you much. Even though you're here, you can be so far away.

For without you my dog, my lowve, I am not the quintessential dog lover that I am known to be.

(P.S. No boy-friends, boyfriends or boys in general would ever make go eloquent and love-lorn like that)

#Lesson for today: I A.D.O.R.E. my dog. He's the best.

7.09.2009

So I hear

Mumma told me I'm scary. Why?

Apparently last night I was talking in my sleep again and muttering something about how I am a much better actress than Helena Bonham Carter. And I was doing all of this in an old-British-lady accent. With the over pronounced 'you' and everything.

Funny, I didn't even know I resented Carter.

#Lesson for today: Sleep more, since you can be much better than Helena Bonham Carter that ways.

7.06.2009

In defence of Karma…

Not that it needs any form of defence.

Karma works, it exists. I don't say that simply because I don't want to admit that I am responsible directly for all that does not go right for me. You can see it happening. Let's the take the example of 4 countries how their Karma is working in overdrive.

1. The USA
They had everything going right for them till they decided to bomb Japan and ruin Vietnam. They tried to interfere where they didn't belong and forgot that they maybe a superpower but they are still a very young country. Almost like a small child who wants too much. Post 2000, they have had every kind of bad karma upon them. Just when they thought it's over, the Iraq war came back to haunt them via recession. Maybe now, USA just might learn.

2. Britain
They were imperialists who were not ready to let the world be. They brought on a lot of wars and a lot of sadness to many. They were defeated many times over. Their entire history has been a Karmic war. They have suffered as much as they have made others suffer. Britain is now a shadow of what it used to be and invariably less happy than its European counterparts.

3. India
We've led a good life and then a bad life. We've been on a roller coaster of luck. At the end of it all, we are still boorish and uncultured but we spit at those who remind us of what goes on inside our homes. Indian students being attacked in Australia, I call that Karma for being such a louts and low life's when dealing with the North Easterners and foreigners.

4. Pakistan
A few bad decisions made by one power hungry man has led to their complete destruction. There is civil strife and terrorists. Allegations and shame faced admissions. There is death to those who least deserve it. It is their Karma but I still cannot help wonder if it isn't simply the bad wishes of those who live across their border.

To those who might be wondering, I'm not big into Karma or anything. This just kind of struck me on a long drive back home.

#Lesson for today: Maybe, just maybe the things you will do can come back to you. Why take a chance?

6.24.2009

It’s Official

I have developed a nervous tic coz of the never ending fear of being caught doing something absolutely unproductive by the boss man. Not that they would kick me out or sacrifice me to the goat gods if they did catch me. I lack the ability to fully process even the simplest of instructions. If it's a two step process, be sure I shall forget one. If it's just the one step, I'll forget the whole thing. Adding to that, Logic is a bully and continually kicks my ass.

It's actually interesting to see the look on my boss's face when he realized I have goofed something again, in face of tremendous odds. It's like, lightning striking at the same place, process, person etc, a few times now. I keep no less than five windows open, with at least two spreadsheets and one company-website-related page. And then I fall into a music-coma when they are calling me. Makes not for a good impression, I can tell you that.

I wonder if home made brownies and some cake would impress them…

#Lesson for today: Note to Lemon Girl – WORK instead of writing posts cribbing about work


 

6.20.2009

Office.. *Sigh*..

Well me lovelies, I have an announcement. i jest you not, but I have finally taken up an internship. At an actual office - doing office related things - work work - type of internship. I somehow, unimaginably so, got bored of snoozing my ass off. Day after day after day.

I won't say its not fun because it is actually good fun for an office job. But it's not my kinda job. To be honest, my kinda job is strictly being given creative freedom to pursue what ever the heck I want, which is why I had my sights set on being a columnist for so long. A little more than a week at the job, people seem to recognize me. I suppose that is a good thing. Im not exactly the best at making new friends. I wait for the misfits to gravitate towards me. But I digress.

Im doing well here, with funny bosses and PMS-prone colleagues. For the life of me, I don't understand exactly why I feel my boss thinks I'm a dodo. Maybe it has something to do with the deer-in-headlights look I get when he comes calling. He wears a nice deodorant though. Makes it nice having him stand above my head. Maybe I'm crushing on him. Then again, that's normal.

#Lesson for today: My boss and all other bosses luuurrrrvvvveee Spreadsheets. Learn Them!

*Ahem*

I earned some money, for the first time.

The first salary.

Parteh!

#Lesson for today: Earning your money AND not paying it's tax is awesome.

6.04.2009

Conversations

Free messaging + Lots of time + Nothing to talk about = Conversations with my best friend.

Her: Dekha jo tujhe yaar, dil mein baji guitar
Me: Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aaye, toh baat ban jaye.. oh ho ho ho.. Baat ban jaye..

Her: Hum bane, tum bane, ek duje ke liye!
Me: Teri gali vich aake, patiala peg lagake, deewani main pagal main talli ho gayi.. Main talli, main talli, main talli ho gayi..

Her: Mere bhole baalam, mere pyaare baalam.. Mera jeevan tere bina, o mere piya.. Hai woh diya jisme tel naa ho!!
Me: Raat baaki.. Baat baaki.. Hona hai jo.. Ho jaane dooooooo..

Her: Raat akeli hai, bujh gaye diya.. Aake mere paas, baahon mein mere.. Jo bhi chaahe kahiye, jo bhi chaahiye kahiye..!!
Me: Oh mummy mummy, oh daddy daddy. Oh mummy daddy, ho jayo ready. Jisse meri shaadi hogi, aaj maine woh ladki dhoond li hai!!

Over the course of days, we went from classics, to horrendous remixes to classic songs that we remixed ourselves. If big brother is indeed monitoring our conversations, he has probably considered rendering us incommunicado many a times.

#Lesson for today: Crass lyrics from govinda/mithun da songs are the best for good times.

5.23.2009

Cricket: Evolutions

We started with Test Cricket. Five whole days of *non-stop* fun. If you had not much else to do, that is.

We graduated to ODI's. Faster, funner and with the added ability for us to distinguish between the teams. Though, I presume that's simply because colour televisions became all the rage.

After many many years of decreasing attention spans and IQ levels, we received with much pomp & splendor, the form of Twenty-Twenty Cricket. Only three hours required as compared to the laborious 7 otherwise. Apparently watching Football, only an hour and a half long is out of the question.

And give it 10 more years and we'll simply have the Coin Toss Cricket! Buuutt. It needs to be interesting, right? Thus the team will consist of:
1. The Captain
2. A weather guy, to ensure that the winds are in favour.
3. A statistician, to point out the law of averages.
4. A cynic, to point out Murphy's Law.
5. A body-builder, to make sure the captain's thumb is in good flicking order.
6. A scientist, to make sure the aerodynamics of the stadium are just right.
7. A video - analyst, to explain in Slo-Mo what went wrong.
And finally,
8. A voo-doo person cum coin collecter, to make sure the coin is well prepared.

#Lesson for today: Yes, I don't like 20-20 cricket all that much, I'm still rooting for the ODI's.

5.20.2009

Caterpillars, Cocoons, Butterflies

Things that I didn't think were possible:

1. Me listening to Gangsta' Rap by someone known as Pitbull

2. Me developing a parallel love-hate relationship with Facebook. I was just gushing about it to my facebook-challenged friend a few days before. I believe this has something to do with the fact that every five seconds it has been updating itself with the same feeds. My homepage resembles a gramophone with the pin stuck.

3. Me being good at poker. I suck at pulling bluffs, keeping money with me is not a strong point and I still don't know what a royal flush is. I have a sneaking suspicion it's nothing more than the Queen's jewel-encrusted Flush.

4. Bob Dylan to have gotten even better than ever before with his latest album.

5. The Bro Code.

6. Sex while windsurfing. Thanks for ruining my mental imagery of water sports as merely water sports, Enrique. I'll be there when you come to India, bottle of acid in hand.

#Lesson for today: Delhi is hot. Very hot.

5.14.2009

Back!

Hello Children, I'm back.

For all those who missed me (:D), college holidays started and my brains went into a temporary decline. After two weeks of lolling around on the bed and drooling on the pillow, I think they've jump started right back. Thank you Subnormality, you are the baap of all comics.

On a different note, I realized exactly why wearing tight jeans and off-shoulder tops combined with dating a single person is so against Indian Culture. All those Sena people were so right.

While watching the video for "Jiya Jale" last night, I figured, So this is what Indian Culture is all about!! You wear extremely short blouses that barely contain your breasts, showing off your midriff to all and sundry. You don't wear tight jeans, you wear tiny shorts that cling to you after you have been skinny dipping in water with an equally naked SRK and about twenty other men. And also, you dance in waterfalls while those twenty men leer at you and then you proceed to shamelessly dry hump SRK in the water. All this time, SRK is in love with your sister or something and yet continues to dry hump you, this time amidst twenty under clad women.

Then of course, you could be an item girl. You are paid to gyrate on the silver screen in an open courtyard. But this is all acceptable as long as you are not in a pub or anything. Because drinking desi daaru in front of a collection of leering louts is more cultured than drinking cocktails with your boyfriend. As is obvious, those drunk louts are more gentlemanly than your average sweet city boy can be. This girls and boys, is the true Indian Culture. Learn to appreciate it.

#Lesson for today: Gyrating shamelessly isn't against our culture. Merely dancing peacefully, is.

5.03.2009

About being human

Just when you've done your bit for society and the ones who live on the fringes of it, feeling human and so proud of yourself, you go and fall in love with cyanide and happiness.

http://www.explosm.net/comics/352/

#Lesson for today: I actually thought that I'm no longer a full-on cynic. Sad.

4.30.2009

Gah!

My online social life is now all of two years old. I believe a cake of some sort is on the cards. Sadly, two years and the subtelities of Social Networking still escape me. The following conversation with a friend might shed some light on this:
Me: Check your wall! Check your wall!
Friend: Gimme sec

Me: NO! NOW!
Friend: i wil.
Me: NOW MEANS NOW
Friend: die.

Friend: wth?!?!
Me: Kya?
Friend: Dude, u dun ask fer my snail mail onlyn, ttly agnst onlyn etiquette.
Me: Whaa? Serious?
Friend: Duh. n writin in caps iz jus yelln at me.
Me: i was excited.
Friend: oh gawd! n y r u stil writin in full formz? u gotta shorten it.
Me: I always write in full
Friend: *geek*
Me: Why does that make me a geek?
Friend: it also maks u a noob.
Me: what the hell's that?

As if painfully obvious, in one sentence I did manage to break three rules of internet etiquette without quite realizing how. Now this was just a few months ago and even though I have improved to a marginal extent, I continue to break newer rules everyday. You can't really blame that on me, since newer rules keep popping up every freakkin day! What's a girl to do?

#Lesson for today: I can't catch up with Social Networking. I'd rather be a noob.

4.29.2009

Laugh please

One of the finer dialogues in movies:

"Sanka, you dead?"
"Ya maaan"

#Lesson for today: I'm random and retarded in a very normal way. Learn to love me.

4.23.2009

Reasons why you can learn to hate Facebook

1. The home page has feeds titled:
"So-and-so took the quiz 'How Good Are You In Bed".

2. You get random 'Fraandship' requests here as well. I shit you not, even I thought FB was safe.

3. You open the bumper stickers application only to find Edward *Retard-o* Cullen clutching what seems to be his imaginary 'thing' and pointing it at you.

4. You also find biatches who thought the above was cool.

5. People who you successfully avoid every where else corner you on FB chat before you can shut it.

6. FB makes me fail in examinations.

and
7. The Disgustingtons literally live on FB.

#Lesson for today: I shall not be leaving FB anytime soon, but if I am inclined to do so one day you would know why.

4.22.2009

Q. Why is our government (supposedly) a big happy family?

Ans.
Because the mommy and the daddy fight all the time so that neither loses face in front of the kids. The mommy and kids then bitch and backstab, later with the daddy as well. The daddy and mommy talk of divorce. Then the kids will sit together and bitch and hatch incessant plans that will only rock the parent's boat but not really throw them overboard. The kids will then be punished. Mommy and Daddy fight it out in a trust vote, or leave the other to crash before making up again.

Here, the "relatives" usually start to interfere, and are rudely quietened. Everything is literally blown apart till the Family Picnic arrives, when to make sure that the neighbours don't spread rumours, the family shows up smiling and loving. The outsiders pretend not to notice the ugly bruises and undercurrents of hate.

Family: UPA / NDA alliance
Family Picnic: General Elections
Mommy: Congress / BJP
Daddy: CPI(M) / AIADMK
Kids & Relatives: RJD, Samajwadi Party, Bahujan Samaj Party/ Shiv Sena, Janata Dal, Trinamool Congress
Neighbours: Indian Janta
Outsiders: Other countries, namely Pakistan and USA.


#Lesson for today: This is the story of every family, sadly sometimes even mine.

4.16.2009

Exams

I Kicked Exam Ass.

That is all.

#Lesson for today: I Kick Exam Ass. To Learn more, as.lemonlime@gmail.com

4.13.2009

O.M.G.

Well well. Isn't this just dandy?
Somebody totally stole my blog.

And by stealing, I mean they copied the whole idea. From the header to the description to omfg, the way I. Sign. Out. That was my piece de resistance. It took me like a few days of thinking to make this one a bit different to what people who read my earlier blog are used to. And they just go and rip it all off.

I mean, COME ON! Don't you possess like a teensy weensy grain of creativity at all? No brains? Nothing in that lil dumbass head of yours?? You. Disgust. ME!!! I feel like slapping an intellectual property rights case on you right now!

You scum sucking, thieving, idea laundering, bitch of a dirtbag. I thought you were my friend.
I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!

#Lesson for today: Don't even think about stealing something that belongs to me. I will take you down, bitch!


4.05.2009

How I Met Your Mother

So, HIMYM is just awesome. It has no shame, just another awesomeness. It's like the next FRIENDS. And I am steadfastedly in love with it.

Who cares if Barney is a womanizer? He's legenDARY and he wears a suit! Robin, she has 5 dogs. Yeah, i love her already. Marshall and Lily. So soppy and yet so awwww.

And Ted Mosby. I would want a Ted Mosby. I like Ted. Ted is well, TED!

And the whole show, the quotes, the everything.

It's like, exactly how I felt when I started with Friends.

#Lesson for today: I stopped being just me, and started being awesome me instead. True Story.

3.29.2009

Weddings

Weddings can br great fun, if
~ The bride falls asleep and refuses to wake up, making the wedding two hours late.
~ You leave the rings back at the groom's house and then drive like maniacs to get them.
~ The priest sneezes really hard right in the middle of the vows.
~ There is a big bee in the flower bouquet.
~ Everybody, including the bride is in jeans.
~ You leave the church after the wedding is done and meet some six hours later for lunch.

And

~ You are so excited about getting married, that you forget to pick up your mother from home.

This is the kind of wedding I went through today. Being the maid of honour and the "planner" for the whole gala, anything right or wrong that happened totally reflected on me. But since everybody in attendence knew what the bride and groom were like, they didn't exactly care and went along with all the fiasco's. From shy friends to drunk younger brothers, I had some fun company today, not to mention my dog, the bride's cat and the couple's new little puppy.

To Tatiyana and Ashish, love you both.
To Yash, stay away! :)
To Aaron, stop being so shy! <3

#Lesson for today: Happy couples are those who can smile through everything going wrong and still say, "that's so US!"

3.21.2009

Yes, so having a wifi house rocks to the ultimate. I am currently sitting in bed with a tumbler of lemonade and dwelling on why I did not think of this before. Given, my earlier connection is absolutely wonderful I think that being able to roam around the place with my laptop is bliss.

For the record, do not ever ask if I am a dog person or a cat person. I am an animal person, literally. Gimme dog, cat, mouse, iguana, squirrel, bat, turtle, fish, lemurs, monkeys, sheep, goats etc etc, I'll love 'em all equally. And no, I do not in the vaguest believe any of them are evil. Evil just happens to be another word for sexy. Which all of them are. Except for fish maybe, some of them tend to lack personality.

This is a pic I took of a cat near my place and dear god, am I in love with its eyes or what.
And boo to you if you don't like 'em.
#Lesson for today: Patience reaps great rewards. Subtle impatience reaps Awesomeness.

3.19.2009

Help?

Anybody struggling writers out there, with a good script?
Want to convert it into a real time production?
Or atleast get someone to read it?

Mail it to me, I seem to be out of ideas.

And a manhole with a cover, if possible.
as.lemonlime@gmail.com

#Lessons for today: Things written at 2 in the morn, while very sleepy NEVER come out as great as you think they have.

3.10.2009

Holi (Shit)!

Well, holi's around the corner and I've already had the fun of playing two holi's before the actual day. One wet, involving a large hose and loads of water, the other comparitively dry with loads of colours and some well-aimed water balloons. From Saturday to Monday, I've looked like somebody who had a lot of chicken pox on their face. My hair seem to not have taken much offence to the colouring being dumped on them. Maybe, they'd grown fond of their red streaks.

I seem to have been spending a lot of time looking for new blogger templates. The point of this is still unclear to me, since I really love the simple tone of this blog and the other one already has a lovable scheme. Presumably, I have nothing better to do, which isnt exactly true because I have exams coming up and studying for them is a prioritized option. Not that I pay such overwhelming attention to my priorities these days.

And if anybody's got the time, do listen to Casanova In Hell, by the Pet Shop Boys. It'll have you rolling on the floor.

#Lesson for today: None really, I'm kinda off lessons for the moment.

3.04.2009

Cold, Lights and Talents

We kick started video productions today. Kicked would be the right word considering the production K-I-C-K-E-D our ass. Thankfully, it wasn't my video thingy today or this would be a very long, weepy and bitchy post about injustice and cruelty to first year university students. Especially those from my course. But this is still a bitchy post. Hey, two outta three ain't bad.

For starters, I tried to get rid of my gut-wrenching fear of heights and have almost succeeded. I hope to report something awesome soon, in that area. We also got into figurative fist fights, literal goof ups and many many piss-offs. There were scoldings and reprimands and many times I wanted to bang my head against the wall. Or do the same to the fucking stupid talkback!

The cam crew sucked. They got thrown out. We rocked. We were in. Nothing went right. Gosh, did I have fun smirking though. Can't help it people, I am a mean, sadistic girl at the end of the day. I am also a fair, just and fairly judgmental person. Don't hold it against me, I'm only human. I hated some people today. I adored others. I basically lost a lot of hope in humankind today. Mabe we will soon turn into an Idiocracy.

Scary thought.

#Lesson for today: If they don't know how to work in a studio, their face shows the fear. Grab, bite and take the lion's share.

3.03.2009

Is it just me?

Is it just me or does this picture give off a feeling of overwhelming inner peace?? Whatever it maybe, it's really nice to look at for rather large periods of time. Or maybe I desperately need a coffee/sugar/sleep high.

It's like I havn't slept well in all of a week, with the sky crashing on my head and all. Audio-Visual Productions starting. For the uninitiated, we first wrestle with a sound recording system for six minutes and then with a camera for ten minutes. In, may I mention, freezing cold, bright lights and rather embarrassing chairs. This is what we are expected to do for a living as well, when we graduate. Positively ghastly, I say.

And on a totally unrelated thought, my best friend absolutely loves coffee!

#Lesson for today: Know your best friend's needs and likes.



2.26.2009

To feel better...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, I feel all happy now. I no longer feel like becoming a machete yielding psycho.

#Lesson for today : Practice you Poker Face. You never know where it helps.

2.05.2009

As of today

As of today I am unconditionally, wholeheartedly, extremely, purposefully, absolutely and indisputably wondering if I have picked the right people in my life. I am caught in a bit of a tizzy, having to resolve the problem of being able to see both sides of the issue.

On one side, there comes the problem of not having been absolutely honest with a friend and that is driving me CRAZY because lying to friends is not something I can do with ease. On the other, there is a rather freakking annoying question buzzing in my head about certain people and their behaviour which is again driving me up the wall. I am up the wall and crazy, which is not doing much for my head rush really. I am sincerely hoping that talking about it and venting to somebody else will help and she agrees with me on most of the things that irk me.

This is confusing. I've never doubted stuff like this before. People havn't given me reasons to either. And now that they do, it's tough to figure it all out.

#Lesson for today: I will never lie to a friend, even the cracking of their voice fills me with unavoidable and inescapable guilt.

2.02.2009

I miss you!

Ok, so you can't read this right now and when you will I won't have reason to miss you anymore. But I soooooooooooooooo miss you right now. Why did you go without me?

To those who don't know what the fuck is going on, my bestie is on a trip out of town, and since it'll send her mobile bill through the roof if I call, I'm not. Because of which, I am really missing her and this is someone I rarely spend a day without texting atleast once. I'm kind of in a tizzy now that she isn't here. There's so much to tell her and so much to ask and so many things to discuss about and i have no-one to do it with. It's been 5 days and I feel like death has come upon me. I'm truly bored. It's not like this is something that's never happened before coz she did go for a month before but I had my other bestie at that time but she's busy to at the moment so pulling my hair out seems like a good idea right now.

Help!

#Lesson for today: Tag along with friends you can't do without. Or get really drunk and pass out.

2.01.2009

Hehehehe


I found this today. I still can't stop laughing.
Can You?

#Lesson for today: Be optimistic. The marshmallows will come for you!

1.31.2009

Tuning forks in my head

As of now, my head feels like somebody stuck a tuning fork in my head and it's revereberating hard, really hard. I really wanna sleep, but I can't coz I've been hitting the sheets overtime in the past few days and to put it vaguely, my body dont wanna sleep no more. Which, by most teenager's standards is pretty damn confusing since most people my age just wanna sleep. I'm doing all I can to fall asleep. Watching movies, listening to songs, dancing, coughing even. To the point of exhuastion. I've read katy perry's blog, traded numerous insults with a friend and berated him to death about offering me the wonderful advice of : "you should sleep". Y'think I'm trying to stay up here??

#Lesson for today : If I ever tell you that my head hurts and I can't sleep, dont open your mouth. EVER.

1.30.2009

Philosophical and Deaf

Last I checked, I was in the mass media department of my college, so it strikes me as rather weird that I'm being asked to hand out invitations for the annual philosophy fest. And it's like adding salt to the wound, coz the kids in the philo department arn't being asked to do much. Its rude, annoying and absolutely dismissive of our life and plans by the concerned teacher, who by the way is going to be subject of many a "hate-you-bitch" posts. As if its not enough that she has made it a subject of unending pride that she ruins our life most of the week, she has to make us work for her own personal department as well!

What are we, her freaking slaves?

She's also made me deaf, to all sorts of scolding, threats, punishments, warning, reprimands etc etc. Which works out interestingly, since now I've become mother-deaf. I honestly hear maybe 1 word out of 20 that she says, and that's on a good day. Rest, her screaming, shouting, threat, bullying blah blah blah don't even resonate. She's spent 18 years of my life and close to all of her's shouting at someone, so you'd think it's time she realized it ain't gonna work. I really have to stop myself from smirking when she says "you can't behave like this with me when even when you're 30" and crap. What makes her think I in any way of form will actually put up with any of her shyt when I'm 30? It's like, dude, you are not going to be the boss me of me forever. You can't stop me from living life when I get a job. I'm simply counting down the years till I'm financially independent and that's my one-way ticket out of here.

Don't get me wrong here, I don't hate my mother or anything. On the contrary, I love her dearly and she matters the most to me. It's just that she thinks she's God and so on and I can't take her crap. If the love has to remain, then I need to be out of the house. We get along best through SMS, when she can't overwork her puny brain creating "tones" that I use when I lay out my well defined plans to misbehave.

#Lesson for today: Teacher's teach you how to be parent-deaf. Excellent.

1.26.2009

Smile! Say Cheese! Flickr!

Photography 101 starts way late in my course. Till then, I plan to learn from the best and the worst! Welcome to the land of Flickr, where some of the most artistic and downright disgusting photographs have been proudly showcased. Agreed, I have no idea about the basic concepts of lighting, framing and all that but I don't need to be a genius to figure a good pic from a bad one.

After the little time spent on the site, I can say that digi-cams and mobile cameras don't really give the best feel. After all, it is pretty difficult to achieve the perfect blurring action with them and heaven knows how much I've tried. My dog is testament to that. Also, while zooming in on a subject, the background really matters. There are so many beautiful photographs spoiled just coz of a bad background. And there are some masterpieces that leave you wondering why you couldn't have been born in a more picturesque place, such as this one.

Most of the photographers there make me feel so curious and humbled and so damn impatient that I wanna break the bank, rush to the nearest store and buy a beautiful camera and loads of reel and go click-crazy. The somewhat-not-so-crazy person inside me tut's at the thought of this and stops me.

And Happy Republic Day!

#Lesson for today: Go photograph! It's an amazing thing to know.

1.25.2009

F*ck This Cold!

To quote a friend, I currently have "a mucotic equivalent of a jawbreaker stuffed down my windpipe".

I have a cold. A very bad cold and an intriguing one at that since there's every possibility that I got it by texting my friend. I don't know how we do it. But we do. In our history of five years together, we've always had colds at the same time irrespective of whether we were actually near each other or not. For god's sake, we'd be the only two girls having colds in summer! Right now, every second is a struggle to breathe through my nose and breathing through my mouth means a very very rough and dry day tomorrow. I won't be able to speak, and that sucks.

To all those yet to be discovered faithful readers of my blog, try listening to Ray Barretto and his Latin Jazz music. If any part of you likes to dance, or be sexy, or just jazz, you will fall in love! He's awesome and to think his songs are not so easily available for downloads. That is pure evil, I swear! But better news, most of his songs are available on youtube. Acid for example, takes my heart into a far far land of love and dance. Especially since I now want to marry Pasha from So you think you can dance. I know I'm kinda behind on the seasons, but we just can't do much. AXN will show, the way it wants to.

#Lesson for today: Be aware, Be safe. Cold is a Textually Transmitted Disease

1.21.2009

From blogger to wordpress

Wanted to have a blog on blogger and wordpress as well, mostly because wordpress has A-Mazing themes for the blog. Unfortunately, I'm rather Wordpress illiterate and will probably spend an inane amount of time trying to figure out what to do! If only there were an option of (and I'm sure there is) of importing this to there, Life would be Happy. Apparently, I must brutally chop away my beautiful header image on wordpress. One point for blogger. Right, so I have imported the blog and all there, and so far, I'm disappointed with it. It pretty much sucks. I should stick with Blogger but the allure blinds my eyes. :P.

Okie, 20 minutes after struggling with that stupid site, I freaking give up!

#Lesson for today: Wordpress est Shyt.

1.20.2009

Oh dear god!

Hiro Killed Ando!
Hiro Killed Ando!

And I just read the whole of the forthcoming season of Heroes on Wiki and totally fighting back the impulse to download all of the season right now and have a full day marathon! It's getting more and more confusing by the episode, takes me a full hour to understand what I saw after I see it. Youtubing (izzat a verb?) roadies at the moment, apparently boys got kicked in their balls in the last show. I must say, for a guy, Raghu sure does hate the balls of other men. :P

Today, I learnt something of great entertainment. How to write (or rather criticize) a film review. Its a hopeless job at first, since you're bound to forget something or the other, but it grows on you (somewhat like a wart) and you feel elated to be better than the egg-headed critics in certain newspapers and magazines. Which, in all possibility you aint, but still it's FUN!

#Lesson for today: None, really. Do I havta learn something everyday?

1.19.2009

Keep up the hope

So, was watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and saw a routine on the song "Waiting On The World To Change". FYI - I am so jealous of all the dancers, especially Lauren for some reason. Anywho, apart from the heartburn caused at the inability to dance, the song got me thinking about how we've lost the hope in life. The song, supposedly said to boost our spirits and all that crap, actually is a testament to lost and found hope.

The singer, John Mayer has pretty much lost hope in all of the current mankind that controls the world at the moment. He's also lost hope in his friends/family/whatever to step up and take charge. Since "we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change". At the same time, he's rather optimistic about having a great future, neighbours being neighbourly and puppies and kittens falling from the sky into the little hands of Tiny Tim's. (Yes, that's made up!) But how does he think thats ever gonna happen? He's the one that says that he and his friends can't really do much. Confused soul I tell you.

And the lemon tree got a new citrus friend today. I moved the orange tree next to it and they look so pretty together.

#Lesson for today: Keep the window open, Peter Pan may just fly in.

Which for those who didn't get it, Keep up the Hope.

1.18.2009

Back

Well, I'm back. Really early. Went for a shut eye, even though it's a sunday and i've slept for say 12 hours straight already! And I'm feeling rather proud of myself. The Ex has been in town for 4 days now and I still havn't called or contacted, which is silly since its not a competition.

The lemon tree finally dropped the bombs today. Six round, pristine, zesty, yellow lemons. I am really proud of it. Don't know any other tree in the area that'll be equaling the feat for years to come. Or maybe I'm just a really proud tree person. :D

#Lesson 2 for today: Never watch a scary movie alone at 2 in the morn, else you'll be looking like a ghost yourself for the next few days.

Life's good, Life's fun and I'm so happy since this is a diary that my mum can't read!

Hello, children

Mornin' people.

New day, New year, New blog. A personal one, just to crib, whine, be lame and throw sarcastic shit at people.

#Lesson 1: Never tell your family about your blog, unless its one of those "iInspire" ones.

About the lemon tree, I happen to have a tree in the garden and somehow in moments of doubt, grave idiocy or general "the sky's falling on my head" moments, I drift to the tree and stare at the lemons till things become a bit clearer to me. I study near the tree, often stand right next to it to laugh at its height (since I'm quite short) and on occassion, prick the lemons with their own thorns (a tit for tat thingy).

That's about it for now, I can hear my phone ringing and it'll be a minor miracle if I find it.