To answer a question posed to me, I say: "Yes, I'm scared. I'm terrified out of my mind, most days."

But then again, what am I scared of?

I'm scared that all the patches that held life together so far - best friends, school/college, workaholism - have disappeared and life threatens to fall apart any moment now. I'm scared that I've lost my way and finding it again it becoming an endless cycle of making mistakes.

I'm scared that if I leave the city that is driving me to slow madness, it will sound the death knell for the facade of parental harmony since a separation - if not worse - looms on the horizon. I'm scared that when I leave, no matter for how short a duration of time, it will affect the life of my dog. The one being on this planet who I have loved more than all else. I'm scared that I may just love him enough to give up on everything - a better job, a better city to live in and perhaps a better life.

I'm scared of the way I break down over small things these days, I'm not the emotionally stable person I used to be. In the hours that I look up at the fan, the lack of faith in my decisions and judgements from family is starting to make me feel the same.

And that nothing I do is good enough for anybody. I don't give good enough advice, I don't dispel loneliness well enough, I don't socialize enough, I don't stay at home enough, I don't love my dog enough, I don't care about friends enough, I don't sleep enough, I don't listen to your advice enough, I don't become a doormat enough.

I suppose I'm just scared of how scared I've become.

#Lesson for today - This, is the real horror movie.


Parag Gupta said...

I hope you know it's just temporary. And you have all of us. Right here. It's not a horror movie. It's the drama part of your Romantic-Drama-Humour Movie.

Anonymous said...

U think u sud just stop thinking and take a break.. Take a holiday maybe.. Do things that make u happy.. And trust me it's temporary!

Greeshma. said...

Aaila. You got to meet me. I love you. A lot. :*

Brilliantly Dull said...

Be scared! You gotta be scared to decide what you want to not be scared.
If that makes sense.
I love you endlessly. That always makes sense.